California Love

9/22 12:00pm PST

I’m currently in Las Vegas, on a 3-hour layover for the 2008 Streaming Media West conference in San Jose, CA.  I’m no seasoned traveler (leaving my home scares me at times), but the slot machines IN the fucking airport?  Genius.  Why wait for people to hail a cab and hit the strip, when you can rape them of their hard-earned cash the MINUTE they disembark?  Well played, airport.  Well played.

UPDATE – Managed to turn $20 into $70, then lose another $20.  Still, a profit’s a profit!

As I’m not a gambling man, I’m stuck sitting at one of these uncomfortable “Recharge Zones” to fill my electronic gadgets (iPod, laptop, DS) with enough juice to last me the 2 hours it’ll take to get to Cali.  I’m not exactly sure why they removed access to electrical outlets at the actual LOADING areas of the airport, but I’m just happy I don’t have to pay for this shit.

Speaking of, I also just munched on a delicious lunch: Sicilian flatbread sammich and a Diet Snapple Iced Tea.  Total cost?  $12.  No shit.  God bless an expense account, eh?

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9/22 7:00pm PST

C’mon, modern hotels!  Put free fucking wi-fi THROUGHOUT your goddamn building, instead of ONLY in the lobby.  Bullshit.  Oh, there’s a wired connection available in my room, you say?  Only $12.95 for 24 hours?  Eat shit, fancy hotel…

On top of that, they have beautiful LG LCD TVs in every room, yet they’ve only connected analog (non-HDTV) cable to the things.  You can’t access the TV’s menu from the button on the side, either.  So, I’m stuck watching shitty SDTV on a fancy HDTV for the whole week.  Technology-phobic hotel.  You’re lucky your beds are pillowtop…

So, I’m going to have to lug my laptop around and either connect/blog in the lobby or at the conference.  I’ll keep you updated.

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9/23 10:00am PST

Electricity is at a fucking premium at this shindig.  The convention in Ontario last year was LOADED with power strips at every table and multiple wi-fi.  I’m curled up beside a goddamn recycling bin, latched into a wall socket.  The infrastructure for this thing was not well planned out, ESPECIALLY being a media/computer-centric topic.

On the plus side: free continental breakfast and box lunches all week.  This means I can actually eat something other than sandwiches from the hotel “shop” for dinner without worrying about expense overages!  I’m debating taking a 5-10 minute long walk (according to Google Maps) to check out a local bar/grille.  Here’s hoping I don’t get stabbed.

SIDE NOTE: Brought some of those Axe Bullet body sprays, as the TSA forbids normal-sized cologne as terrorist weapons or some shit.  Needless to say, these little bastards pack a helluva punch for their size and I smell like a very eager frat boy.  I’m wishing I would’ve read the label before purchasing the “desperate date rapist” scent.

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9/23 9:00pm PST

Whew.  After a day chock-full of seminars and presentations, the gods above granted us commonfolk admittance to the Exhibition Hall from 7pm-9pm.  The best part?  Free booze and food.  That’s right.  Free.  So, after about three quickly-chugged Heinekens I decided to brave the floor and the teeming swarms of salespeople.

Holy shit, I have no idea how people deal with this shit.  Every booth has about 5 eager beavers ready to bombard you with sales pitches and info.  I was way too buzzed to make any sense out any of the spiels, so I would wait until everyone was busy with another customer and stealthily pop in and grab one-sheets/brochures.  I was waylaid by one salesdude, who proceeded to stare into the depths of my soul while laying on all sorts of shit that managed to circle around my original question while still sounding like his product could do what I needed.  After about ten minutes, he let me go and I scurried back to my hotel room.

I know that this is the kind of shit Trent has to do at trade shows, and I feel for him.  Trying to sell your soul on a floor full of sharks is ridiculous.

After a dip in the hot tub (CESSPOOLS!) and a $5.50 Guinness, I perused my collection of pamphlets to make my attack plan for today.  Surprisingly, out of 20 or so businesses, I’ve found only three to be relevant and requiring of more information.

Today’s continental breakfast was breakfast burritos.  I’m sure this is going to bite me in the ass (literally) today.  Thank god the hotel is attached to the convention center.

I was invited to a special “after-hours” party for some vendor, simply because I feigned interest in their product.  My concern?  Having to be surrounded by salespeople, bombarding me with pitches while I try to drink their free alcohol.  I really wish I had a wingman on this trip to help deflect some of this enemy fire.  Perhaps I’ll avoid the private party and just wait to get my booze at the Awards show tonight.  We’ll see.

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9/24 8:30pm PST

If you’ve ever wondered if it was possible to CHUG 4 tall glasses of Johnny Walker Red on the rocks in under an hour… wonder no more.  Normally, booze helps offset the uncomfortable feeling you get a parties, but no such luck tonight.  Thank god, again, that the booze was free and the bartenders were GENEROUS with their pouring.  Also, the food was magnificent (after I found it).  See, I’d been nibbling on cheese and exotic crackers again (my main source of sustenance this trip) when I saw some dude with fancy pasta on a plate.  After some drunken sleuthing (aka stumbling into the adjoining room), I found a plethora of Italian meals to be had.  FOR FREE.  So, I loaded up on the best fucking gnocci I’ve EVER had and proceeded to down that shit.

Now I’m back at my hotel, drunk in the lobby because there’s no internet in my room.  I think I’m pulling it off, because no one’s asked me to leave OR put my pants back on.  Or, maybe they just know how much money my company’s spent to keep me here and don’t give a shit.  Regardless, it’s pretty fucking awesome.

Tomorrow’s my last day, with my plane finally arriving in Columbus at MIDNIGHT.  I’ve already got my brother lined up to greet me at the door with some 40s (I’m taking tomorrow off to recover from jet lag and shit), so it should be a nice homecoming.

Overall, was this worth the trip (and the money my company fronted)?  Definitely.  The experience (mostly shitty as it was) was outweighted by the knowledge and information I picked up, and it’s fucking CALIFORNIA.  Besides feeling like the fat girl who never gets asked to dance, I enjoyed the deal.  Having someone to talk/drink with would definitely elevate the whole shindig.  Next conference, I’m definitely bringing a posse; if not work people, then I’ll find some way to get Trent to have his company fly him out.

Hopefully this wasn’t too boring for you all to read.  Hopefully you all felt my awkward pain.  Hopefully, but probably not, you’ll all feel my headache tomorrow.

FINAL THOUGHTS

• You never realize how progressive California is until you come here.  Sure, the Bay Area is gay-prominent and all that, but the eco/green shit is amazing.  Trams running on electricity, 100% biodegradable flatware/boxed lunches, recycling bins everywhere.  Also, it’s STILL fucking surreal for me to see “Governor Schwarzenegger” on the local news.
• On the flip side, nothing make you feel more Midwestern/hick than being surrounded by West Coast assholes and their bleeding edge tech.  I swear to Christ I’ve never seen so many people Twittering on their iPhones.  People shoving their cell phones in your face, streaming live to the Web? ENOUGH, assholes.  We get it.  You’re trendy.
• The weather?  Top-notch.  Too bad this state’s gonna end up in the ocean.
• I saw that dude who offered me a “golden ticket” to his after-party.  Tommy Carcetti, y’all.  Now, if Senator Clay Davis would’ve invited me?  SHEEEEEEE-IT.
• Providing the soundtrack to this trip: ISIS, Adai, and Intronaut.