Really, America? THEM?

Completely irrelevant to the topic at hand, but I had the displeasure of following a Honda Oddysey the other day… rocking this vanity plate:

4 BON JVI

That’s when you know you’ve made it, folks.  Fuck the platinum records and mountains of cocaine; forget about banging Heather Locklear for years and getting off the hook for drunk driving your underage daughter; you and your band have become fucking STARS when an Ohio soccer mom dedicates herself and her vehicle to your cause.

Well played, Jon and band.  Well played, indeed.

I know that, for the most part, I’m an elitist prick; I’ve been told so to my face.  While I believe that my elitism only applies to the things that really matter to me (movies, music, comic books, etc.) and doesn’t apply to most of my life (beer/liquor, groceries, cars, etc.), I’ve noticed that I’m very particular about comedy.  Which may be why I can’t understand or enjoy the current American sitcom.

Now, I realize that humor is subjective.  I know that what I find funny won’t necessarily make someone else laugh.  What surprises the fucking shit out of me is that, if there IS a barometer of what modern America finds funny… it’s Two & A Half Men.

How the fuck has this show lasted throughout the years?  I understand that it’s a key hit with the parent demographic (my parents love it, as do the parents of many of my friends), but does that justify the fact that it’s been on the air for FIVE YEARS or why Charlie Sheen deserves $350,000 PER EPISODE?

For the most part, I attempt to avoid the shit I hate.  For instance, I’ll change before working out and head home without showering in an attempt to avoid the countless naked dudes who enjoy hanging out in locker rooms.  You know the kind, those fuckers who never seem to actually accomplish ANY form of exercising short of stretching awkwardly to display their balls?  Well, much like old man dong, I’ve eluded crap like Two And A Half Men for years.  Now that it’s syndicated, however, I’m faced with stumbling upon it while trying to kill that dead zone that is the 7-8pm television-viewing block.

And, sweet jesus, I just don’t get it.

For those who haven’t been forced to watch this abomination of a show, here’s the gist: Charlie Sheen is a bachelor who lives on the beach.  His straight-laced brother, Duckie from Pretty In Pink, moves in with him and brings along a son from his failed marriage.  The three live together and get into all sorts of hijinks.

Actually, there’s only ONE kind of hijink: sexual.  Cryer is the straight man to Sheen’s double entendre-spewing lead.  I’m not sure what the fat kid provides, short of acting as a buffer or being the punchline to an “adult” one-liner.  This is some of the broadest stereotyping/generalizing I’ve seen on TV, and America fucking LOVES IT.

Seriously.  Here’s is EVERY FUCKING EPISODE of the show, summed up in a “witty” exchange from an episode on last night.  An episode, by the way, that I only watched because HFB-D mock-cried when I changed the channel (she loves the annoying theme song):

CHARLIE, THAT IRRASCABLE SCAMP, IS BANGING SOME CHICK WHO PARKED IN THE NEIGHBOR‘S DRIVEWAY.

NEIGHBOR: Do you own the car that’s blocking me in?

DUCKIE: Um.  It’s CHARLIE’s friend’s.

NEIGHBOR: Does she plan on pulling it out soon?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS BECAUSE THEY’RE ASSOCIATING “PULLING IT OUT” WITH CHARLIE‘S PENIS

Yup. That’s humor.

A couple of minutes later, this classic exchange occurs:

CHARLIE: I wouldn’t have my guests park in that spot if you’d keep your trash off of my guest parking spot.

NEIGHBOR: You mean the curb?  That’s owned by the city.

CHARLIE: Wherever I pass out, I own.

NEIGHBOR: Well then, you must own my doghouse after that one night.

CHARLIE: That was a one time thing, and Butch was cool with it.

NEIGHBOR: Butch never had fleas before that night.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY CHARLIE GAVE THE DOG FLEAS, PROBABLY SEXUALLY.

Holy fucking shit, this show is horrible.  Like, worse than Everybody Loves Raymond horrible.  Trite as all hell, with the same plot device in every episode: A girl comes between the brothers, Charlie fucks her then tells jokes about his penis, things get resolved.  That’s not the worst part, though.  The guy behind this show is also behind another trainwreck-disguised-as-comedy, The Big Bang Theory.

Replace the Odd Couple/Three’s Company bit with geek/nerd stereotypes living next to hot chick and you’ve got The Big Bang Theory (or BBT, as the fans call it (check the comments sections of each episode): more broadly-written comedy that’s not funny at all, with the double entendres swapped for jokes about Star Trek and Schrödinger’s cat.  I’ve honestly tried to give this show a chance, as it’s on before How I Met Your Mother (a modern sitcom that I DO enjoy, even with its laugh track and use of standard sitcom conventions).  After watching the premiere, dying a little inside, and then catching parts of it while waiting for HIMYM to come on, I’m mystified as to why it’s a hit.

Sure, this can be elitist Trevor trying to act better than mainstream America.  It could be the bitterness of Arrested Development not being on the air (although three perfect DVD sets are all I need).  Or maybe I just don’t “get” the appeal of repetition.  I’m sure there’s plenty of shows I adore that would be completely abhorred by fans of Two And A Half Men (just about everything I love).

Deep down, though, I think it’s not really the shows that scare or confuse me; it’s the state of modern American humor.  Seinfeld, as much as I’m not a fan, was at least witty and refreshing.  America loved it.  Friends, as repetitious and unbelievable as it became, still had hilarious moments.  These days, the landscape is dotted with Yes, Dear and King Of Queens reruns.  That’s a fucking shame in my book.  And don’t EVEN get me started on how the hell According To Jim got the greenlight for an EIGHTH FUCKING SEASON.

America, when your lord and savior returns, I hope this is the first thing you get: