TD’s Rock’N'Roll Show

Either I’m getting really fucking old or bands today hate weekends.  Why the hell else would I be at a rock show on a fucking WEDNESDAY NIGHT, pounding PBR like every other hipster?  Unlike my college days, though, partaking in a weekday show isn’t as easy as buying a ticket and showing up.  No… as a sellout corporate shill I have to PLAN AHEAD for such an experience, burning up a vacation day for the inevitable hangover afterwards.  Now, I’m nowhere near as hungover as I thought I’d be after drinking from 6pm-midnight (approximately 12 PBR drafts), so I’m now burning my vacation day blogging about the show and running errands.  Great to be mature, married, and all that.

BREAKDOWN

Stinking Lizaveta =

Torche =

The Sword =

I’m going to stress again that this was a show that started at 9pm on a WEDNESDAY NIGHT.  I think those details ultimately influence my final opinion of this show, which may be unfair to the bands involved.  As I’m normally tucked into bed with my stocking cap and footie pajamas by 10pm on a weeknight, I was really tired and sleepy by the time Stinking Lizaveta FINALLY got onstage.

Seriously, guys.  9pm start time = 9pm start time, ESPECIALLY for an opening band.  Making me wait a fucking HOUR for your brand of instrumental jazzy metal only makes me like you less.

That being said, SL did their thing well.  I’m not a big fan of theirs, but there sure were several in the audience last night.  One dude in particular, rocking a striped long-sleeve shirt under a Fu Manchu t-shirt, was ALL ABOUT PUMPING HIS FISTS WITH THE MUSIC.  ON EVERY SONG.  I give him credit for his rhythm, as SL play a brand of off-tempo spazz where the time signatures start and stop on a dime.  I’d originally called these guys “jazzy Sabbath“, but after seeing them in person (two hirsute dudes and a chick, looking fresh off the gypsy wagon, one of whom rocks an ELECTRIC STAND-UP BASS) and seeing them play, I’m more inclined to coin the phrase “Black Zappa” (if that even makes any sense).  Regardless of my shitty attempts to peg them, they rocked their set even though it really did nothing for me.

Torche (pronounced like the thing on fire you hold in caves, without the Canadian “eh?” at the end) got on stage around 11ish and fucking SLAYED.  I’ve been a semi-fan of frontman Steve Brooks‘ earlier bands (Floor, Cavity, etc.) and Torche continues to carry the torch (holy fuck, I’m the funniest man alive) by rocking the same sludgy metal of the past while mixing in poppy vocals and harmonies.

Now, here’s the thing: I’m kind of bipolar when it comes to shows.  Some bands, like Clutch and Fu Manchu, I’m all about hearing improvise and meander and jam between songs.  On the other hand, there’s several bands that I just want to play their songs and not bullshit in between: we know how great it is to be in Columbus… play your fucking songs already.  Torche blew through their set like a fucking freight train, and it was amazing: little-to-no banter, just streamlined metal.  As most of their songs are under the two-minute mark, this produced 45min/hour of solid awesome.  They ended their set with some downtuned distortion/fuzzed-out bass that shook the entire bar.  I’m talking “brown note” from South Park-level bass, the kind that makes your bowels shake.  The drummer fucking leapt in the air several times just to get the kind of downward momentum needed to beat the shit out of his kit to produce this kind of noise.  Just as quickly as they started, though, they were done.  And a lone tear rolled down my cheek, like someone had just littered.

Now for the headliner: Austin’s The Sword.  I’ve reviewed their latest album and kind of glossed over the ongoing faux-metal conspiracy surrounding them, but let me take a minute to elaborate a bit as it plays into my review.  Frontman J.D. Cronise led an indie rock band a few years ago, supposedly your standard Pitchfork-approved Death Cab For Cutie/Modest Mouse type shit.  For one reason or another, he decided to shift gears and play throwback/retro metal.  He grew the requisite long hair and beard, joined up with like-minded dudes who proceeded to do the same, and formed The Sword.  Their sound is easily described as 70s-era Sabbath/Rainbow wizard-heavy metal: a really simple, well-worn sound that forms the base of just about any branch/genre of metal currently around.  Seeing how protective metalheads are of their music and hardcore status, and remembering that England’s The Darkness semi-recently took the piss out of balls-in-a-vice arena rock… flags were raised.  Were The Sword making fun of the base simplicity of metal (and, ultimately, metal fans)?  Did they really rock out genuinely, or was this an attempt to make some easy money playing simplistic songs that cut to the very nature of the genre?

Long story short, I get a feeling that it’s a little of both.  After seeing these guys rock last night, something just came up wrong to me.  Again, I’m chalking a lot of this up to it being midnight on a WEDNESDAY NIGHT, but their whole performance was just kind of “meh”.  Not that they aren’t talented, or didn’t sound good; I was banging my head like a good little fan.  There was just something robotic about the entire performance.  They burned through their songs, sounding note-for-note like their CD, all while going through the stereotypical metal motions.  To the casual viewer, they LOOKED like the metal was heartfelt. Of course, that might just be it; there was no heart to it.  Torche (and even Stinking Lizaveta) displayed emotion and energy while they played, creating a contagious aura in the room.  I got absolutely none of that from The Sword, so much so that I headed home about 3/4 through their set.

Does this mean I no longer like them?  No.  Will I continue to rock their albums, even though I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that, in the end, it’s about the money?  Yup.  Will I pay to see them live again?  Not that I paid this time, thanks to an awesome hookup from 80s metalhead Atomic Ned, but… probably not.  Again, this isn’t because they were bad or they suck live.  There wasn’t a tangible reason why I didn’t enjoy their set.  I know plenty of people did, but something was lacking for me, which is ultimately disappointing because of the hype I’d built up in my head (and the fact that I took a fucking vacation day to see them).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to take my third shit of the morning.  Fucking PBR and greasy pizza…